ANDY RICHTER RE-TEAMS WITH CONAN IN LA FOR TONIGHT SHOW

Yay! That is all.

Mickey Rourke Makes Acceptance Speech History

Mickey Rourke set new highs and lows for outlandish acceptance speeches Saturday afternoon after receiving a Best Actor award for his performance in "The Wrestler".

One of the first things to come out of the star's mouth was his declaration that "Eric Roberts is the fucking man!". From here, it only got stranger and funnier. He thanked everyone from Melissa Tomei (later correcting himself to have meant to say Marissa) to a girl that he only referred to as "gap tooth". He thanked his publicist for always telling him "who to fuck and who not to fuck", he thanked his dead dogs. He mentioned how great it was to be given this award by three such talented people, meaning presenters Laura Dern and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. When he realized that the third person was just a stage usher, he quickly amended that statement to "just two talented people. I don't know what you do, honey." Other topics included sodomy, steroids and being told to "fuck off" by the Santa Monica Police Department amongst other absurdities. All of this came after he smooched Darren Aronofsky, the director of "The Wrestler", immediately following the announcement that he had won. It was abundantly clear that it was unscripted and even more obvious that Aronofsky did not approve. No telling if this plum crazy performance will affect any of the goodwill that Rourke has been able to establish in the last few months or so, but unfortunately Rourke did not get to make a follow-up performance at the Oscars, losing to the always nominated Sean Penn. Rourke went away for a long time before his recent success, up until now it could have been assumed that he spent his time out of the Hollywood spotlight on Earth. Now, no one can really be sure that he didn't spin off into outer space and other galaxies for a decade or so.

FROM THE PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE TRUE DEPARTMENT: Limp Bizkit Returns

When one door closes, another one opens and through this door walks a talentless fuckface in a backwards red baseball hat with an inexplicable amount of former success and riches. Ozzfest will be on hiatus this summer, prompting Fred Durst to announce that Limp Bizkit will be reuniting to solidify their position as Kings of Douchebaggery as they travel the United States. Tapping into the previously ignored white trash angst audience, Durst and company were able to have a meteoric rise to fame based on the strength of a (that's right) George Michael cover. From there they soared to the top of the charts and inspired an army of useless jackasses in red hats to jump and scream their assheaded lyrics all over the country. After failed follow-up albums and a plethora of dismal side projects by everyone in the band, the need for fame and money has forced their world back together. Nevermind, scratch that, these are the turdwads that do it all for the nookie. Ugh!

In much more exciting news, Joss Whedon and Eliza Dushku make their return to television tonight with the premiere of "Dollhouse". This should bring happiness to the heart of anyone who was ever a fan of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Bring it On" or masturbating. The world just seems like a better place with her on television.

NBC Needs More Medical Drama...STAT!

While "ER" (yup, still on the air) enters the final weeks of the show's seemingly endless run of drama, inter-doctor romances and primetime exposed intestines, the peacock hasn't even waited for the show's remains to grow cold by quickly filling their medical drama void with "Trauma". They may have missed the boat with this decision, when the ebb and flow of primetime drama has clearly shifted from medical/hospital based dramas to crime scene investigation dramas. Either way, both genres fill the need of the American TV audience; sexy co-stars falling for each other while working in close proximity with corpses. Also in development at NBC is a swing-for-the-fences existential drama that places dozens of strangers on an island after their plane crashes only to find out that they are part of a large human experiment that may actually be purgatory or something else. Yeah, like that bullshit will ever gain momentum.

Disney's Net Income Falls 32%

The lingering economic downturn was bound to take its toll on the entertainment and media industry at some point and today news arrived that Disney's net income has dropped 32%. The loss has sent Mickey into a drug fueled crime spree that threatens to ruin the family friendly reputation that the empire has managed to build over the last 100 years. Time Warner is reporting a $16B loss, but there's no telling of a like downfall for Ted Turner. Somewhere Jane Fonda is laughing, just not at "Georgia Rule".

Bruce Springsteen's Crotch Invades America's Collective Living Room

"Step away from the guacamole and put those chicken fingers down!"

yelped Bruce Springsteen during Sunday's Super Bowl Halftime Show. Anyone who adhered to those directions was promptly given a generous helping of Bruce Springsteen's loins. About halfway through his performance, he eyes a stage level camera from across the stage and slide directly into it...cock first, sending DVR devices into wild repeat all across the country. The creepiest part about The Boss' stunt was the look of boyish exuberance he had on his face after executing the crotch slide. It was almost as if he had a premediated idea to shove his package right into America's conscience and history. "Dear America, these are my balls and penis!"