Nation Quickly Distracts Itself with “Lost” Premiere (Spoilers Everywhere)

Credit crunch, job loss, bailouts, debt, etc., no matter “Lost” is back. Taking place only hours after the Inauguration (the do-over), the PREMIERE EVENT of "Lost" comes in perfect time to distract America from a life of intellect and substance. The NFL, the country's main wool-pulling mechanism, is going to be gone in ten days and most of the country's teams haven't been relevant in weeks. A nation turns it’s lonely eyes to you; Dharma Initiative and smoke monsters. Jack on pills, Kate back on the run, Sayid, who if conscious, seems to kill anyone, forgettable characters old and new, and inevitably, at some point, the aforementioned mother fucking smoke monsters! The two-hour premiere leaves the audience in a pretty typical wake of “what the fuck is going on?”. The episode offered no clarity, gave no clues and no real answers to anything that they may have wanted explained. In short, it was business as usual for the show that keeps giving its viewers the old “carrot on a string” routine. For whatever fucking reason, I’ll watch next week.

Extras on this season of “Lost” better watch the fuck out if the season goes anything like the premiere. Whether catching flaming arrows and John Locke’s knife with their chests or falling victim to a poorly loaded dishwasher (knives loaded blade up, what the fuck?), extras will be treated expendably with extreme prejudice. If you’re an actor out there who thinks he just caught his big break by being cast on an episode of “Lost”, you have to accept the reality that you may be landing the role of “Flaming Corpse 3”, or maybe if you’re lucky “Hostile Knife Victim 2”.

Take for instance the extra that Sayid throws off the balcony at the motel. Here’s how he told his parents the exciting news about being on “Lost”:

Extra: (with bushytailed excitement) “Hi, Mom and Dad, great news I got a part on ‘Lost’”.

Mom/Dad: “Congratulations, we love that show, we all knew those years of waiting tables and acting classes would finally pay off. We love you!”

Extra: (growing excitement) “Yeah, me too. I can’t wait to be on TV, working at that dinner theater was crushing my soul. I’m so glad to be starting a REAL career. I trained with Stanislavsky you know.”

Mom/Dad: (still excited) “Yeah, we know, we paid for it, we’d have preferred you go to college, but you’re a unique snowflake. What part are you going to play?”

Extra: (still excited) “I don’t have a name, but some middle-eastern guy throws me from a balcony and my head explodes like a grape on the asphalt in the parking lot.”

Mom/Dad: (completely stripped of all excitement) “Oh. Okay. Should we send you a check for the usual amount?”

Extra: “Yes, please.”